"Aw now, Andy Taylor, you best make sure you're ready to go when Barney DOES get here." 1 Opie comes running in the kitchen and says, "Aunt Bee, I hope you busted my egg this morning in the fryin' pan, cuz I sure am hungry, and cuz I still ain't made up my mind whether I like runny or chewy the best.
Andy looks at his watch and says, "That Barn's been up late again; Floyd told me yesterday about the new waitress down to the truckstop. Aunt bee opens up a jar of her orange marmalade and says, "What's that got to do with Barney being up late?" Andy tells Aunt Bee, "Two words; TROUBLE CHECK."
Andy reaches for the coffee and stops when he sees there's not enough for Barn. Then his eyes pop open wide and he says, "Opie, if you're that hungry, eat your breakfast and Barney's too; And hurry; let's get outta here before he comes!"
2 As Opie finishes the breakfast barney pulls up to the house and Andy ask him why he's late and Barney says he's been out with new waitress from the truckstop and lost track of time as they drive to town. 3 "You know Ange, My head didn't hit the pillow before a quarter to eleven last night." Andy says "Barney, I don't how you can keep up with those long hours?" Barney proudly says, "Well Ange, It's a trait of the Fifes, we're wirey, and high spirited. We can just keep going and going."
When they arrive at the courthouse they find Mayor Roy Stoner pacing in front of Andy's desk "Sheriff!, Where have you been? You should have been at the town council meeting a half an hour ago. I have never seen such an inefficient sheriff's office in all my life. Now!, We have an important matter to discuss about official town buisness." 4 Andy looks puzzled as he settles into his seat "Sorry Mayor, but I was running a little late this mornin'...but, might you be obliged to tell me what this important matter thet's got you so worked-up is all about?" The Mayor turns, "Why Sheriff I'm surprised at you...here we are two weeks away from the 'Apricot Festival' - which is only one of the biggest income-generating events in all of Mayberry, and YOU want to know what all the fussing is about!!" Barney does his best to cover up for Andy, "You don't have to worry about us forgettin' the Apricot Festival Mayor...why just yesterday I was reminding the Sheriff how much I regretted not being the official chapperon to the Apricot Queen at the last festival, an' how things should be different this year!!" 5 The Mayor replies "Well good Deputy, then you and the Sheriff should have alot of interesting ideas to share with the rest of the town council. The council that has been waiting in my office for over half an hour! Now, Sheriff don't just sit there let's go."
When they arrive at the mayor's office Miss Elly, Floyd, and the rest of the council are seated around the Mayor's desk. After Andy, Barney, and the Mayor take there seats the Mayor says "Now if there are no futher interruptions we can finaly start the meeting. Does anyone have any suggestions for the Apricot Festival?"
6 After no one says a word for a minute or two, Mayor Stoner looks at Andy, with that look like, "well, what are you waiting for". Andy looks at Barney, Barney looks at Andy with that "puzzled" look on his face. Andy says, "Well", Barney says, "well what", Andy repies, "Well Mr. Chapperon, what's your plan?" Barney gives Andy that "smug" look. Mayor Stoner, says, "Well Deputy, what's your plan?" Barney turns quickly towards the Mayor with a confused look on his face. 7 Barney tells mayer stoner "I believe we should start with an old fashioned salute by firing that canon down in the town square. We can use the squad car on our way down wailing the siren to make sure we have everyones attention."
Barney looks over at Andy and gives him a look as if he has saved the day as he puffs his chest out he looks around the room for everyones approval.
Mayor stoner looks at barney and says " that old thing has'nt been fired since World War I and its older than whistler's mother ". Andy with a gleem in his eye says " well you you know mayor stoner we are grasping at straws Town council member Orville Monroe then raises his hand, "Well, maybe we can give the ol' gal a hand. We still got some bottle rockets left over from the Fourth of Juu-lie carnival two years back, alls we gotta do is point it to the heavens an' drop 'em down the barrel..." Floyd gushes his enthusiasm "Oh, why...bottle rockets in the...
hey I like...that's gOoOd!!" 9 Mayor Stoner says "Are there any more suggestions?" Miss Ellie says "I think we should have a small parade, with a special float for the Apricot Queen. We can also have booths, like crafts, set up, then we can end it with a town dance." Andy smiles "That's an outstanding idea!! And I know what band we can get. I got a letter from Jim Lindsey, he said "Bobby Fleet And His Band With a Beat" would be in town that day." Mayor Stoner says "Now, these sound like some good ideas. We'll have the parade, the crafts booths, and since it will just start getting dark when we have the dance. We'll use the bottle rockets to announce the start of the dance." Mayor Stoner continues "Alright, Let's start making the arrangements."
After the meeting, Andy and Barney go back to the court house, to get started on their part. 10 Meanwhile, the morning's just beginning in Cell #2-- there's a snuffle and a guffah, a few assorted grunts and groans, and Otis greets the new day with a grimace. Brushing back wet strings of hair as he shuffles across the cell, he reaches through the bars and helps himself to the big ring with two shiny brass keys. After considerable consideration, the lucky one is selected and Otis sort of "snaps to" and sharply turns and stagger-steps to the cell door. He reaches through the bars and is just fitting the key into the elusive keyhole as the Courthouse door opens.
"Well, that's what I'd do if it was up to me, Ange, that's exactly what I'd do if it was up to me. You know what I'd do if it was up to me, Ange? I'l tell you what I'd do if it was up to me!" Andy quietly rolls his eyes as he holds the door open for Barney, who steps sharply into the room, turns on his heel and shakes his finger towards Andy. 11 "I'd round up a couple of extra deputies, to help us patrol the streets, the day of the festival." Andy replies "Well Barney, I've been thinking on it, and I think you're right. There will be alot of strangers in town that day. We'll need some help keeping a watch on everything."
As they are talking Otis walks towards the door. Andy says "Hey Otis you leavin'?" Otis answers "Yea Andy I've got to get cleaned up for work." Barney says "See ya Otis." as Otis leaves Andy gives Barney the go ahead to deputize Floyd, and Gomer.
Two weeks later, on the morning of the festival. We find Andy and Barney instructing Floyd, and Gomer on what to do. 12 They're both standing at full attention as Barney slowly paces back and forth to inspect his newly formed troop. Floyd's mustache and chin are barely visible under his oversized deputy cap, while Gomer's shoulders are arched so far back it appears he's about to pop a few buttons off his uniform shirt. "Now men, during the commencement of activities it will be of the utmost importance to establish an effective network of communication for the purpose of maintaining crowd control, as well as to alert one another to the possibility of any breaches in security..." Andy adds, "Just redirect the traffic away from Main Street an' keep an eye open for pickpockets!" Gomer then excitedly asks "Are we gonna have a high-sign? If thar's any trouble, I can do my hoot owl...HOOO HOOO!" Floyd (impressed), "Hey that's a good one!
How 'bout a coyote...can you do a coyote?" With this, Barney's had enough "NIP IT!!" As Floyd and Gomer snap back at attention, Barney smoulders while Andy covers his face with one hand to hide his grin. Barney continues, "Nobody here was given permission to speak, remember you're at attention!
Now as I was about to say, we received official verification from the county for additional funding that will help beef up security for this here festival...and as of this morning I used the money to purchase some walkie-talkies from the Army surplus store." Barney reaches into an olive brown satchel to present walkie-talkies numbered #1 and #2 to both Floyd and Gomer. Gomer immediately speaks into his, "Hello?" Floyd looking pleasantly surprised says "Oh boy, you're coming in loud and clear Gomer!" A disgusted looking Barney says, "He hasn't even turned it on yet Floyd!!" With this Gomer turns the switch on, and speaking close to the mouthpiece says "HELLLOOO!?!" as both Barney and Andy fall to the ground while covering their ears. 14 As they get up Andy says "Floyd...., Turn your reciever down!" Barney adds "The human eardrum is a delecate mechanism! It was not designed to withstand such high frequencies! When you go messin' around with it, you're just asking for trouble!" Gomer says "Sorry, Barn I guess I just wasn't thinkin'." Andy says "Well, That's alright Gomer We know you didn't mean to." Changing the subject Andy says "Well, I reckon' we need to get on out there, the parade is gonna start in twenty minutes."
15 "All right," says Barney as they walk out onto Main Street, "We'll split up, and each man will take a post!" I'll be officer A, Floyd you're B, and Gomer you're C!"
"A. . . now that's a nice letter," replies Floyd. "It's like APRICOT. Say, Barney, why can't I be A."
"I don't see why you're complain', Floyd, you already get to be B. Barney, why does Floyd get to be B, can't I be 'B,' Barney?"
"Now wait a minute," retorts Floyd, "If I can't be A, I'm sure not gonna settle for C!"
ENOUGH! screams Barney (he gets in the face of Floyd and Gomer). "Did someone tell you this was a democracy? Haven't you been trained and sworn to follow orders?"
"We ain't been trained a'tall," says Gomer.
Andy sees them fighting and walks over. "Boys, this is ridiculous. I can hear you three screaming clear around the corner! Floyd, you be A, Gomer you're B, and Barney you're C; now all of you split up and take a post so we can get this thing over with!"
As Andy and Barney walk away and the three split up, Barney says under his breath, "I don't see why I shouldn't be A."
16 After the parade is over, Andy, and Barney thank Gomer, and Floyd. Andy says "You did a fine job boys, a fine.... job." Barney adds "Men I would like to take this time, to thank you for your assistance today. It will not go unrewarded, there will be a five dollar check in the mail for each of you. You're dismissed."
Later on at the dance, while Andy, and Barney are getting Thelma Lou and Miss Ellie some punch Jim Lyndsey walks over. Andy says "Well...., Jim Lyndsey" Jim says "Hey Andy, Barney. You enjoying the music?" Andy says "You're doing an outstanding job Jim, outsanding...." Barney says "It's good Jim, real good." Jim says "I better get back Booby just gave us five minutes." After Jim leaves Andy, and Barney rejoin the girls.
17 Barney says "I wish I had worn the old salt and pepper suit, it's hangs just right for the dips." Andy says "I was wondering, why you wasn't wearing it tonight?" Barney says "I sent it to be cleaned, and it didn't get back in time. Thelmalou says "You look just fine Barney, rather handsome."
Miss Ellie says "Andy I think the Mayor is coming over here." As the Mayor walks up He says "Ladies would you excuse us for a minute?" After Andy and Barney step off to the side, The Mayor says "Sheriff, It looks like you, and your Deputy somehow pulled it off. I don't know how you always manage to do it." After The Mayor walks off Andy, and Baney go back to the girls, as Barney and Thelmalou start to dance, Barney mumbles "I still say I should have been A." Thelma Lou says "What?" Barney replies "Huh? Oh, Nothing." 18
1. Allan Newsome (firstname.lastname@example.org) on Sunday, April 11, 1999.
2. Dale Stokes (email@example.com) on Sunday, April 11, 1999.
3. bryan (firstname.lastname@example.org) on Monday, April 12, 1999.
4. Mayor Roy Stoner from IP proxy-337.public.rwc.webtv.net on Monday, April 12, 1999.
5. Stuey (Netcoaster@aol.com) on Wednesday, April 14, 1999.
6. Chester Jones from IP proxy-517.public.rwc.webtv.net on Wednesday, April 14, 1999.
7. GRIZ (email@example.com) on Friday, April 16, 1999.
8. David (firstname.lastname@example.org) on Friday, April 16, 1999.
9. Malcolm (email@example.com) on Saturday, April 17, 1999.
10. Jim Lyndsey from IP proxy-417.public.paix.webtv.net on Saturday, April 17, 1999.
11. ~~Leon (loveLeon@webtv.net) on Sunday, April 18, 1999.
12. Judd Fletcher (.) on Sunday, April 18, 1999.
13. Leonard Blush from IP proxy 524.public.rwc.webtv.net from IP spider-pa013.proxy.aol.com on Monday, April 19, 1999.
14. Harvey Bullock's twin brother 438.public.rwc.webtv.net from IP spider-pa014.proxy.aol.com on Friday, April 23, 1999.
15. Mayberry's Finest from IP proxy-317.public.rwc.webtv.net on Friday, April 23, 1999.
16. Charles W. Christian (firstname.lastname@example.org) on Sunday, April 25, 1999.
17. Bobby Fleet (!) on Sunday, April 25, 1999.
18. The Mayor (a) on Sunday, April 25, 1999.