A bright spring morning out on Meyer's Lake. Along the shore line we see Andy, Barney, Goober, and Opie, fishing poles dangling in the water. Across the lake we can see two deer, a buck and a doe. In the distance we hear rustling coming from the dense line of trees.
Old Blue was coming after Barney for blowing that whistle again. "I told you, Barney, he don't like that whistle," says Andy. "What whistle? I didn't hear no whistle." says Goober. "Oh, brother!" says Barney in disgust. "Come on, Blue!" he yells. "Here, boy!"
Goober asks, "What kind of sammiches did Aunt Bee pack?" "Goober we just had breakfast at the diner barely 2 hours ago and you're already hungry?" says Andy. "You beat everything, you know that? Go ahead and look in the basket." Goober opens the picnic basket and a surprising look comes over his face. 1
Andy says, "I'm hungry too!", and adds, "There's worse things than being a plain hick, like being a hungry one". 2
Andy suddenly had a flashback, and remembered Miss Peggy saying, "Remember you've just eaten. Don't run on a full stomach!". 3 Goober says, "YO! Andy! There's some more of them pickles whut made Opie sick, in here...you thank we ought to eat 'em? Or just burn 'em now?" "Now Goober," Andy says, "We don't just say it OUT like that..." Barney says, "Well, Andy, remember, we ate what we could, and gave away what we couldn't, and now I just can't! If I have to eat one of them things again, I swear I'll just explode, BLOOIE, and that's not healthy..." Goober looks at Barney and Andy, and says, "You know, I have an idea..." 4 "you 'member that ornery family of badger livin' in that hole by the boat house? They're always causin' us such a time when we get near. How 'bout we chuck a few of these pickles down their hole and wait for the fireworks!" Barney replies.."Goober, I believe you may have an idea there." As the group gathers their belongings, Opie hollow's out, "Pa, Pa, I've hooked Old Blue! What should I do?" 5 "Reel him in Ope'.....that's it...nice and easy now."(Ange)
Meanwhile, back at the badger hole.... Barn and Goober tippy tippy toe closer and closer to the hole....(Barn is carring a pickle in each hand and Goober is carring a pickle in each hand) Goober is going first, Barn is right behind him egging him on...
Barn whisper/shouts "Go on Goober! What are you waitin' for..."
Goob answers "Barn, I don't think this is such a good idea afterall.....you ever seen a badger with his back up?" "Cousin Gomer was pokin at a badger one time when we was younguns and that darn thing got hold of his britches and liked to never let go!" "They're mean when you get em riled." "You ought not get one riled, Barn."
Just then Barney says: "Goober, get in there with them pickles!" "You got two choices, Mr. Fraidy Cat. Put them pickles in that badger hole or..."
Goober says: "...or.....I believe I'll take the "or"..."
then Barn says.."...Or, EAT THEM!"
(Goob)"Awwww, Come on Barney...I dont wanna do it....YOU do it..."
Then Barn gives him one of those "shakin hold yer breath, red in the face" looks that only Barney can do. Just then a noise in the bushes, pickles fly, Barney and Goober tear back to Ange for safety and nearly knock him into the lake.... 6
"What's the matter with you two anyway?" asks Andy as that vein in his neck starts stickin out.
"Ahhhh, NUTSY here," says Barn. "I TOLD him you can't ambush a wild creature makin all that racket and wavin around these kerosene cucumbers. It is scientifically and biologically impossible to sneak up on a wild animal holdin' a pickle with man smell on it."
"I bet I know what Johnny Paul Jason would do if he were here, Paw", says Opie. 7
And with that Opie grabbed a pickle, snapped it in half and baited his hook with it. He threw his line into the water when suddenly...... 8 fish started bobbing to the the surface, white-belly up, by the bushel-basket full. 9 That was alot of dead fish. The smell was overwhelming. 10 As Andy watches the fish pop up one by one, he replies."Now,Ope!You,re supossed to be a catchin the fish,not depletin the lake's supply. Now git your stuff together youngin,Aint Bee's expectin us home soon.Barney,call that dog and Goober put down that sandwich!" 11
On the way to the squad car, Andy thought he heard some rustlin' from a nearby patch of bushes. "Hold it...", Andy said, and everybody stopped in their tracks. They all followed Andy's stare at the clump of greenery, then gave a start when Andy suddenly yelled out, "Who's in there!!!" "Don't shoot! It's only me", came the reply, as a bulky, disheveled figure slowly rose out of the bushes. "Otis!", yelled Barney. "What are you doin' here?"12
Otis does his best to stand up straight. In one hand he holds an empty bottle. With the other, he attepmts to straighten out his tie. He then replies,"I'm doin' my part to clean up America. This here bottle happened to roll into these bushes and I was just goin' in to fetch it." Barney remarks, "If that was what you were doing in there, then I'm Mary Queen of Scots." Otis, with an inebriated smurk, mumbles "Pleased to meet ya, Mary!" 13
They all opened the door and stepped into the house, and Aunt Bea happened to be sitting on the couch with Mr. Hendricks (butter & egg man). She jumped up sudden-like, as if she was stung by a mad hornet on a hot day, her face all flushed and all. "Oh, Andy! I didn't expect you boys home so soon!", Aunt Bea declared. 14 Mr. Hendricks jumps up as well, puts his hat on (crooked-like) and says:"I just remembered some more deliveries I got. Nice to see ya' again sheriff, deputy." As he rushes out the door, he nearly runs right into Briscoe Darling standing there all slickered up who then says, "I'm a here declarin' fer ya' Miss Bee. 15
Now poor Aunt Bee WAS in a pickle. Briscoe has come-a-courtin' again AND she and Mr. Hendricks were almost caught red-handed planning for Andy's surprise milestone birthday party. Now who else other than the butter and egg man would know who could make the finest birthday cake in the South? After all, he delivers the main ingredients! 17 "Briscoe Darlin, you had better just go right back up to the hills you came from. I've got a good mind to come up there and give you and your boys another cleanin.
"But AINT BEE, this is a serious matter. Why we've got to get hitched up, and I mean quick. The choice ain't ours to make... now come on Andy and get out your preachin' book. We ain't got no time to waste. 18
"Why, Briscoe Darling! Just what is the meaning of this?!"
"Miss Bee, It's out of our control, it was the Omen of The Black Sheep" 19 As the discussion of romance continues in Andy's den, he slowlywalks backwards into the kitchen. Opie follows.
Opie: Whatcha doin' Pa?
Andy: Hush, now, son. We're just gonna rustle up a little snack for our guests. Andy opens a jar of pickles, holding them out and to the right to avoid the aroma coming from the jar.
Opie: But Pa, those pickles are the badger killin pickles that brought on that odor from Goober in the squad car, aren't they?
Andy: Now just hush up and bring those biscuits in here to the dining room.
Andy and Opie return to the den.
Andy: Well, who's ready for some pickles and biscuits? 20 As Briscoe takes a biscuit and pickle and brings the pickle towards his mouth, he says, "Andy, I think you are trying to poison me." Andy sets down the jar of pickles and says, "Aunt Bee made them...and.." "Aunt Bee, if you don`t wanna marry me, just say so!" 21 "Poison you, Mr. Darling? Whatever do you mean? Why, don't you care for my pickles? I'm planning on entering them in the county fair that's coming up next week. I hoped these pickles could win me a blue ribbon. You know Clara has won every year in the pickle contest for 5 straight years! Now, what did you come here for, Mr. Darling? To propose to me or insult my pickles?" 22
Then Briscoe says, "Miss Bee, I think things are gettin' a little off track here, and they's only one thing left to say to you."
He goes to the front door, and yells out, "Ever'body off the truck!"
The boys come in with their instruments, get into position, Briscoe clears his throat, and says, "This is what all I got left to say to you, Miss Bee...."
The Darlings go into their rearrangement of 'My Hometown' but change the words a bit to 'My Miss Bee' with Briscoe on lead vocals. And they did such an outstanding job, they even put Keevee Hazelton to shame. When they were done, there wasn't a dry eye in the house.
Aunt Bee walked over to Briscoe, presented him her right hand and said, "Oh, Mr. Darling, that touched me like nothing ever has. And I've never been proposed to like that either. And now, I know your feelings are genuine. So my answer is.............." 23
NO. I will never marry you. I'm still in love with the butter and egg man from Mt. Pilot. 24
"But Miss Bee the black sheep ran East to West during the lightnin storm which means I's gotta git married. The only other thing that can be done is if a man rides a white sheep North to South but every man I know is too big to ride a sheep...except... (Everyone looks at Barney)
"Oh no you don't, I rode your stupid horse before remember! 25
Besides, me and Thelmalou are going down to Meyers
Lake. Were gonna take as a blanket and a picnic
basket. 26 But Hark, as they heard a big YELP, it was OTIS, riding a white and brown cow into town, and he thought it was a horse, purchased for twenty five dollars. And Andy said: "There is our sign, Briscoe! The wedding was never meant to be."
(All the while, Otis is thinking about getting sober, and becoming an Ice Cream Sales Driver.)
And then...... 27
As if out of nowhere, a brick comes flying through the air and lands dead square in the center of the windshield of Briscoe's truck. From behind a bush and in the shadows, a willowy figure starts to rhyme: "It's me, it's me, it's Ernest T., where ever there's gatherin' I shall be." Barney instinctively pulls his gun and.... 28
realizes his bullet is in his shirt pocket. After placed the bullet in the gun he 29 carried in his holster for emergencies. "Ernst T...you..,''Barney stammers as he tries to pull the gun out. "You, you...You're a nut!''
Ernst T. smiles a toothless grin and retorts, "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but Barney Fife will never hurt me!' 30 Then Briscoe yells out at Ernest T., "Ernest T. Bass, you're nuthin' but a lowdown peskey buzzard.
Doggone ye!" 31
Well, Andy has seen enough of this. Ernest T, if you don't cut it out right now, I'm gonna a 32 Saddly enough Brisco never got finish that statement.The strain of seeing his window smashed along with the heart rendering sound of aunt Bees refusial of marriage and the stench of the pickles was more than he could bear.Brisco fell to the floor, actually fell on Barney,then to the floor. Andy rushed to Briscos side and realized that not only had the three other delimmas caused Brisco to pass out but the shine he had drunk,probably to get up the courage to court aunt Bee,was probably the topper.Straingly the Darlin boys saw this as another omen,one that said to take pa home,so they put him in the truck and headed to the mountains. 33 Ernest T. Bass suddenly recalls how Barney had foiled his plans to have a mountain wedding with the lovely Sharlene Darling. In fistive rage he yells "I'm gonna get you deputy and your little dog blue too". Ernest T. glances into his bag and pulls out a smooth stone with full intent on throwing it at the ever-alert Barney. But Andy calms his anger by reminding him of how Barney had once given him the clothes off his back to help Ernest T. get a girl. 34 "Ernest T." Andy called,"is that any way to treat the man who tried to save your hide with Miss Hoody Hoo?" Barney tugs at his belt. "Now after you broke her window, her pa's window, and her two cousin's windows and she said you could go die in a ditch, didn't this fine example of a man offer to let you borrow his official undercover police dress and wig to sneak into the ladies cotillion to get the scoop on your chances?" Barney's grin begins to turn upside down. "Woulda worked too if you'da shaved you goober, I mean Ernest." 35
(firstname.lastname@example.org) on Friday, May
2. Otis (email@example.com) on Friday, May 09, 1997.
3. Flip Conroy (firstname.lastname@example.org) on Friday, May 09, 1997.
4. Elinora (email@example.com) on Saturday, May 10, 1997.
5. Briscoe (firstname.lastname@example.org) on Saturday, May 10, 1997.
6. Juanita (email@example.com) on Saturday, May 10, 1997.
7. Emma (firstname.lastname@example.org) on Monday, May 12, 1997.
8. §i§§y on Monday, May 12, 1997.
9. Ebo (email@example.com) on Monday, May 12, 1997.
10. Ebo (firstname.lastname@example.org) on Monday, May 12, 1997.
11. MCB (email@example.com) on Monday, May 12, 1997.
12. Rafe Hollister (firstname.lastname@example.org) on Wednesday, May 14, 1997.
13. MCB (email@example.com) on Sunday, May 18, 1997.
14. Tracy Rupert (RhthymDog1) on Sunday, May 25, 1997.
15. **Barn (firstname.lastname@example.org) on Tuesday, May 27, 1997.
17. **Barn (email@example.com) on Friday, May 30, 1997.
18. ernesttbass (firstname.lastname@example.org) on Sunday, June 01, 1997.
19. Ebo from IP 188.8.131.52 on Monday, June 02, 1997.
20. Ben (email@example.com) on Monday, June 09, 1997.
21. Ellie Walker (firstname.lastname@example.org) on Tuesday, June 10, 1997.
22. Mary (email@example.com) on Tuesday, July 15, 1997.
23. **Barn (firstname.lastname@example.org) on Wednesday, July 16, 1997.
24. jimbob from IP unknown-c-23-147.latimes.com on Tuesday, July 22, 1997.
25. Ernest T. (email@example.com) on Thursday, August 07, 1997.
26. jimbob from IP unknown-c-23-147.latimes.com on Friday, August 22, 1997.
27. Otis (firstname.lastname@example.org) on Tuesday, September 16, 1997.
28. Briscoe (email@example.com) on Saturday, September 20, 1997.
29. jimbob from IP unknown-c-23-147.latimes.com on Thursday, September 25, 1997.
30. "Shelly-ene'' Darlin' (Canuppsk@gate.net) on Friday, September 26, 1997.
31. **Barn (firstname.lastname@example.org) on Tuesday, October 07, 1997.
32. jimbob from IP unknown-c-23-147.latimes.com on Wednesday, October 08, 1997.
33. Doc Pendyke (email@example.com) on Saturday, October 11, 1997.
34. It's me,it's me, it's Ernest T. from IP host-207-53-16-68.bna.bellsouth.net on Tuesday, October 14, 1997.
35. the man (firstname.lastname@example.org) on Thursday, October 30, 1997.